I turned 36 this month and I celebrated in two non-traditional ways: one day I had a silence and solitude mini-retreat at home, and another day I had a read-a-thon, where I basically read a book on the couch all day. It was soooooo lovely to say the least. 🙂 It allowed me to be at ease and quite reflective about the past year of life, and golly did I need that.
I’m a naturally reflective person, but I’m even more reflective on my birthday. I tend to think about themes and patterns from the past year, particularly asking God to highlight events that He wants me to unpack for whatever reason - to learn from, celebrate, grieve, savor, etc.
One pattern He brought to my attention is the amount of times I’ve cried, specifically when I was touched by something. Whether it was a kind word from a friend, being at a Christian conference that was neurodivergent friendly and fun, feeling hopeless about the state of the world, wondering how God was going to show up as Jehovah Jireh in my finances, or feeling seen at church…I realized that crying is a primary way I express my emotions, and I kinda love it.
Embracing my tears
The fact that I love it makes me really, really happy because it wasn’t always like that. In fact, for most of my life it was the opposite - I hated being sensitive, I hated being in touch with my emotions, and I hated that people wouldn’t take me seriously because of it.
Let’s take my profession for example. It’s a woman-dominated field where I sit with Christian women of color in unpacking their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Since emotional understanding is not considered important, it’s not seen as valuable in the eyes of many people, including recently the department of education that is threatening to cut financial assistance to those in grad school for counseling, mental health, social work, and more.
I also think about growing up, where my parents meant well but they’d dismiss my emotional needs because I was “too sensitive". This meant that I lacked logic and reasoning, which meant I didn’t have as much value to contribute and I shouldn’t be taken seriously.
“You know how she is, just let her get over it.”
“She’s just being sensitive.”
“Feelings aren’t important. What’s the use in understanding them when they can’t change the situation?”
“Facts over feelings.”
The comments are still hard to deal with, but not as much as they used to be because God reminded me of something really powerful: not only are our emotions important indicators that we should take the time to unpack and process, God Himself has emotions.
God sees & feels
Based on my understanding of God as described in the Bible, I have a hunch that He hates the injustice we’re witnessing and experiencing right now. He’s given us humans the authority to steward His creation well. Yet we continue to de-dignify His creation through racism, sexism, mistreating the environment, greed, and more.
I have a hunch that He also hates the abuse I’ve endured. God did not design for romantic relationships to be places where people get taken advantage of or gaslit frequently. And He did not design sibling relationships to be filled with violent words and fear. He desires holy and healthy relationships for the humans He’s created, in hopes we support one another in being the person God calls us to be through healing and sanctification.
And another hunch I have is that He does not abide by the toxic theology, spiritual bypassing, or church hurt I experienced. When I went to a pastor to talk about holding another pastor accountable for their racist language and she said that I needed to forgive and give grace, I think God saw that and was angry. I have a hunch God was mad that His words were being misused to protect people in power instead of inviting people into repentance, healing and growth.
And another hunch I have is that He didn’t like the injustice, hurt, disbelief, minimizing, dysfunction, abuse, or sin you’ve experienced either.
I have a hunch that God saw what happened to you. He saw it and He wasn’t far from you, He likely was pretty close to you actually. But because we have free will and people continuously choose evil over good, we find ourselves on the receiving end of someone else's sin that hurts us deeply.
But God saw. And I have a hunch He was sad, disappointed, infuriated, enraged, upset, devastated, and more. (If you don’t believe me that God can feel “negative” feelings deeply, check out Genesis 6:6 where He literally regretted creating humanity.)
So may this be a reminder to you that God sees you, that He has a really big heart that feels, and that His nearness to you can be so, so healing sis. 💜
Need more support? Lemme help you sis:
The Soft Place where you can journal with God without the pressure to be perfect
Righteous Rage Room where you can vent without getting all the spiritual bypassing comments
Digital resources to help you jumpstart and grow in your wellness journey
Weekly prayer calls with other Christian women of color
1-1 coaching tailored to your personal needs
Blog posts with tips and tricks to make your life easier
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